Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Memories from the Past – My Meditation Journey

From August 2nd to 8th, I was attending Bali Usada’s Usada Tapa Brata 1 for one full week. It was a health meditation program. For more information about the program:

A seven-day intensive course where participants are requested to leave all the daily routine to stay isolated from outside world under the Tri-Tapa rules: no talking, no reading, and no writing.

A training to build up concentration, an exercise to develop awareness and mindfulness to strengthen harmonious mind and loving kindness.

You will be trained to understand the healing process through harmonious mind.This meditation is for beginners, also for those having completed the Usada Regular/ Private I.

I was quite proud of myself for being able to follow the Tri-Tapa rules of not talking, reading nor writing during the course. On top of those three rules, we were only provided with two vegetarian meals and one snack a day. At the beginning of the course I was not sure that I would be able to do it, but it became easier with each passing day. At the end of the course, I actually enjoyed it so much and I was reluctant to talk because talking and hearing loud noises gave me headache.

Out of 46 participants, only five of us really adhered to the rules. I was glad that my roommate was also very committed to the rules, otherwise I might not be able to succeed. It shows how important it is to have supportive people around us in order to succeed.

The most amazing thing that happened to me during this course was uncovering a memory buried so deep in my subconscious mind, a memory that I didn’t remember having, yet it surfaced during the course.

This is the story…

On the fourth day when we started to meditate with a purpose of feeling our own body, I felt a pain on my back. It felt like being cut and stabbed with a sword or a saber, it was about 25cm long and located on the left of my spine. When I focused on the pain, it throbbed and became more painful, but the pain was gone when I finished a session. If I didn’t meditate, I felt no pain, but whenever I started meditating, the pain came back.

I was curious and when I asked the instructor, he told me to keep focusing on the pain. During meditation, I kept focusing on the pain and the more I focused, the pain became smaller until it felt like a small dot next to my spine. Although it became smaller, it also became more painful and unbearable. I felt like being shot or stabbed, it was hot and throbbing. Yet when I finished meditating, I could not feel the pain at all.

During the open meditation session, I was committed to really focus on it and I resolved to meditate until I found the cause of the pain. So I did. I focused, focused and focused on that one extremely painful dot until suddenly I saw in my mind, pictures of my grandmother and me when I was just a baby. I saw her holding me as well as sitting next to my baby crib. I must have been less than a year old because my grandmother passed away in 1977 when I was only one year old. I could feel how she poured her love, her hope and her dream to me. I felt a flood of emotions rushing through me, emotions of love, gentleness, kindness and hope as well as hate, anger and unwillingness to let go. When I felt all these emotions, I could not stop the tears from flowing, I just cried and cried until I could not breathe through my nose.

At that moment I could really feel her love, how she put her hopes and dreams into me…she wanted to leave a legacy through me. Suddenly I understood why I was so driven to make a difference and to leave a legacy. It was not only my desire but it was also my grandmother’s desire that she passed to me before she died.

On the other hand, I also felt her anger, hate, attachment and unwillingness to let go. I could understand her feelings because I would be the only grandchild that she would be able to see and hold because of her illness. She was not ready to let go and I could feel those emotions flooding through my heart.

After all those feelings and memories came rushing through me, I felt a sense of relief, calm and clear-headedness. Suddenly everything seemed to make sense and I understood my life. I felt at peace with a part of me that I didn’t realize I had. It was such a wonderful feeling.

At the end of the course, I was asked to share my experience in front of the class. I did not share this story because I had not verify it with my parents. Therefore when I met my parents a day later in Jakarta, I asked them whether those memories were true and those things really happened. They said that those memories were true and real. Wow…it was simply amazing! Consciously I had no memory of what happened when I was just a baby, but meditation helped me to remember something buried so deep in my subconscious mind. 

One more thing, after those memories surfaced, the pain on my back was almost gone. The pain was completely gone after I told my father this story. Believe it or not, it was like my grandmother wanted me to pass a message to my father.

How do I feel after all this? I feel at peace. I feel so calm, serene. I feel that I know and understand myself better. I feel a sense of relief, a burden lifted. I feel happy.

Finally, I really recommend all of you to take this course. I’d say that this is one of the best courses that I have attended in my whole life and I’ve attended a lot…from Anthony Robbins’ Unleash the Power Within and Date with Destiny to T. Harv Eker’s courses, as well as numerous trainings and seminars held in Singapore and Indonesia for the last 18 years.

I would like to end this post with what the founder of Bali Usada, Mr. Merta Ada often says at the end of a meditation session:

“May all beings be happy!”

Inge Santoso, B. Com